You read over and over about how women pass over the nice guys for the bad boys, but, I just don’t see it in my day to day. First off, no one seems to be able to agree on what constitutes a “nice guy” besides some idea that he’s less than a 10 on the physical scale and can’t seem to get the girl. Second, a good bit of the qualities that make a so-called “bad boy” attractive have nothing to do with him being ill-behaved.

So, what make a “nice guy” and what makes a “bad boy”?

College Magazine lists “flattery” as a characteristic of a Nice Guy. And then, they go on to explain that what they really mean is excessive, single-note flattery about a woman’s looks. That is not nice. It’s smarmy and insincere. It shows a disinterest in who she is outside of being a pretty face. Not nice, and not attractive, either. Fortunately, their remedy for this is right on the money: look for other things you like about her, and compliment her on those, too.

This Harvard sex study defined “bad boys” as dominant and masculine. Is that really an intrinsic “bad boy” trait? I know plenty of super masculine guys who are good at taking the wheel in situations that involve large spiders or intimidating engines who were also perfectly nice. 

More than one author attributed a sense of adventure to the bad boys, and said it was something the nice guys were lacking. That seems easy enough to fix. Get out there, try something safe but impulsive. Take her on an impromptu Sunday mini-roadtrip or try an adventure sport of some type. It’s completely possible to be spontaneous and play with a little risk, and still keep your nice guy cred.

“Too nice” is also considered a problem. The examples given involved guys doing outsized favors for the objects of their affection, and the girls (shockingly!) failing to fall at their feet. The expectation that you can buy someone’s affection is, again, not nice. If you like someone, do not be afraid to make it explicitly clear by inviting her on a date. And, no matter how grand a gesture you make to win her heart, understand that she doesn’t owe it to you. If the two of you don’t click romantically, it just ain’t gonna happen.

“Bad boy,” finally, was frequently described as a sort of appearance or a style of dress. While you can’t make yourself taller or more square-jawed, you can do something about the contents of your closet. Find that you dress for comfort more than you do for style? Get some clothes that are new, well-fitted to your body shape, and flattering. Just as you are more likely to be attracted to a girl in a dress over stretched-out sweats, she’s more likely to notice when you put some care into how you look.

You don’t have to give up on being nice to get the girl, just on being “nice.” Confidence, care in your appearance, and loosening up a little can help you have more luck, and destroy the illusion that the women you meet are only after “bad boys.”