The complaint never seems to go away: it seems that every week I see a woman asking what to do to make her boyfriend or husband stop watching porn. The complaint is as common as it is useless. The truth is, arguing about porn probably puts more strain on a relationship than one or the other partner's consumption of it. A few reasons to just ditch the porn-watching arguments:

It’s Not About You

Many people, both male and female, like some visual stimulation when they are getting themselves off. They’re not fantasizing about the people on the screen; usually, if they think of them at all, they’re a placeholder for the person he’s really thinking about (that’s you, hon!).

Ask Yourself Why You Object

Is it because you can’t stand the thought of him looking at another woman? Most people are capable of finding a wide variety of people attractive without having an urge to stray. Do you feel like you don’t stack up to the women in the videos? Few do, because it’s not your job (literally your job) to look like that, and that’s fine. Chances are, your husband or boyfriend is personally satisfied with the way that you look. Plus, unlike the porn chicks, you are the one who is in his bed.

Porn is Not Cheating

I’m sorry, it’s just not. There is no interaction. He’s not putting hands or anything else on or in anyone else. Watching porn is just a supplement to imagination during solo sexy times.

You Don’t Get to Control His Solo Sex Life

Do you feel you have a right to bodily autonomy? So does he. As long as they are not affecting the sex the two of you have together, you do not get to dictate his masturbation habits. As romantic as the idea of “belonging to each other” sounds, that doesn’t extend to dominion over one another’s private moments.

Now, that is not to say that there aren’t situations where porn-watching can be problematic. Your partner’s porn consumption should probably be addressed if:

• It’s taking the place of your partnered sex life.
• He’s pulling too many unsexy and unfun moves based on what he sees on the screen.
• It seems to have affected his level of attraction to any woman who is less than silicone-injected doll-like perfection.

However, if none of those are an issue, and you still hate to know that he watches porn? Stop asking him about it. Let it be a private habit. Ask that he be respectful about clearing history (private browsing is handy, too) if you will stop bothering him about what he does on his own time.