8/28/2012 2:27 PM
Because, if you are at that point, your relationship is dead anyway.
There’s a new survey about electronic snooping that’s been making the rounds. Thirty-seven percent of women and 29% of men think that, if you suspect bad behavior, looking at a partner’s email or text messages without permission is justifiable.
Snooping on texts and emails was never an issue during my first marriage, but only because of the state of technology at the time. Email and text were not prevalent forms of communication. The woman he cheated with didn’t even own a computer.
That’s not to say that I would not have snooped, had there been a way. All the lies about where he was, the distance, the moodiness, the constant picking at my faults when he was home? I’d have printed off the evidence as quickly as our cranky dot matrix printer would have allowed.
Here’s the thing, though: It would not have changed anything. I’d still have eventually ordered him to pack and leave. There were just too many other things wrong with our marriage.
I’ve been reading the discussions of electronic snooping, and have realized just how different my current relationship is. We have one another’s email passwords, and log into accounts when needed for practical purposes like tracking a package or seeing if something posted to one of our bank accounts. I have blanket permission to open his postal mail because he ignores it, and would miss time-sensitive stuff without me. On the other hand, if he kept a diary, I wouldn’t read it. We have strong communication and are quite open with one another. I cannot imagine a situation where I’d sneak around to see if he was up to something. It just wouldn’t come up.
If you are snooping, it’s imperative that you ask yourself what it is that you are looking for. If you know yourself to be a jealous and suspicious type, and you are simply reassuring yourself, your time would honestly be better spent working on your insecurities. Freeform jealousy and suspicion kill relationships as certainly as infidelity does.
If you are snooping because you’ve been lied to or stone-walled, what outcome are you looking for? An SO changing their cheating ways? Proof that you are right? The first is not going to happen, and the second probably will not make you feel any better.
In the end, you’ll get better outcomes through clear communication with your partner. Plus, if things really are going pear-shaped, at least you have the high-ground because you never stooped to snooping.
Is there anything I’m missing here? Reasonable reasons to snoop? Is this less of a big deal than I’m making it out to be? Let me know in the comments.